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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*