People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
called in thicc to work this morning
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.