A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If only.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
a god among men
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.