BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
hey, alexa
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.