Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
just left a huge legacy in there
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.