I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
A woman drives into a bar.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
*seductively corrects your posture*
Love this guy
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.