Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Never be a pizza!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
January has been Januweary
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.