ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
❎ Client not paid?
âś… Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.