I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.