Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
How do you like your Corgi?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”