if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.