My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before