For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Basketball
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough