Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
SCARY COSTUME
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
This fish is cracking me up
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.