Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Dune (2021)
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.