ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The Struggle
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain