Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”