Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I鈥檓 spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don鈥檛 forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they鈥檙e called priests, Linda.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it鈥檚 supposed to be safe, but I just don鈥檛 understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker鈥檚 still on, Captain.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The secret to a good marriage is that it鈥檚 all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I鈥檓 their teacher.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
#titanic
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
2020 was the worst escape room I鈥檝e ever done.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.