[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF