The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”