Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
💯😂
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.