the prophecy has been fulfilled
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.