8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Lmao the reply
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.