“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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Not now. I’m deglazing.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Oops I deleted….
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.