People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
In space, no one can hear…
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??