[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
You Might Also Like
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.