When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
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~my stomach
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Before & after 😅
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?