“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
How animals would run if they were human
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.