A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived