Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
#inspiration #foodforthought
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain