Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.