Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
time machine? you mean a clock?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Hero horse inspires millions
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.