A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
yeah not falling for this one
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.