Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I gave up going to work for lent.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.