Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”