When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.