A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
😂😂
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Bike for sale
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers