Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
There are no pants in heaven.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
In case you needed to hear it:
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.