If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.