Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
¯_(ツ)_/¯
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.