If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos