got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
He’s dead
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.