cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
this has done me in for some reason
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.