She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Our lord and savoury.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.