“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
this country is so goddamn polarized
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida