I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
White Castle for the Win
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks