Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait