I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
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Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Check your privilege
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.