Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Check your privilege