[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”